Saturday, September 30, 2006

I Need Another Battle

A personal reflection

After weeks of total outrage, my anger has left me. I am content that I came out of the battle unscathed. And though perhaps I didn’t win my war, at least I emerged with the moral victory on my side and with the reassurance that many supported my cause.

But something else has happened too. All these weeks I had been wide awake, combattive, full of adrenaline and inspired by a fierce creative spirit. And now all that has gone too; it has left me empty to the point that, somehow, I want my battle back.

I am looking to the world around me with great mildness. What a joyful world it is, so totally filled with irrelevance and people just running around to buy their groceries and all their useless things, waking up and going to sleep again. Nothing stirrs me up.

I was happy to write my sharp convictions of the Bush Administration, day after day, but now I don’t really care. Let him be. One day, he’ll be gone.

I had arrived at some big questions about the mishaps of history, about the arrogance of ancient religious institutions and their lasting impact on our present day perceptions of right and wrong. I wanted to challenge every selfish drive for power as a mere end in itself (including the abuse of God as an excuse for it). Well, tomorrow is another time.

I was adamant to face the madness of our world and strike it down, if only I had the means to do it. Hm, indeed, I don’t.

So do I need to wait for the next battle to restore me on my feet? There is much for me to do. I have many missions to fulfill. But they do require my energy, my creativity, and my firm belief that, out there, there is a cause to win.

Perhaps it is only natural to feel exhausted and empty, even after a victory of some sort. Is this what women feel who experience postnatal depression? Most likely, time will do the trick. And I am probably not alone. So perhaps I should seek out some other battle and side with the party most sympathetic to my own convictions, and up goes my adrenaline and in comes new creativity.

It is true, isn’t it, that much of what we project to the outer world, must have some root in what is going on in our inner selves. I am too content, at this moment, to disturb the tranquility of our Planet’s rotation and everything on it just for the sake of differences in opinion or even for the sake of my Great Ideas. That was yesterday, when somebody else’s crazy ideas came in my way.

So please, disturb me. Make me crazy. Put your ideas in front of mine. Let’s have a good and decent war of the minds.


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